Happiness in Love


I’m sorry to say this, but Houston, we have a problem. That problem is a thing I like to call “hope.” We always hope that a man is going to change, and that we personally possess that special power to change him. Hope can be a beautiful thing, but then again, it can hurt us, too.

Kat Von D had hope when she started dating Jesse James. Sure, everyone else on the planet though she was a fool after he cheated on American’s Sweetheart, Sandra Bullock, with multiple women last year. “Just wait,” I kept hearing. “He’s going to cheat on her next and then she’ll feel like an idiot.” And he did, of course, but I didn’t feel gleeful at having been right. I felt sad for Kat, for her delusions and mostly, because it didn’t work.

Pre-split Jesse James & Kat Von D

The two dated, got engaged, broke up and got back together again. They finally called it quits, but only months later did the tattoo artist finally wise up. Sometimes we like to delude ourselves that things aren’t really how they seem. It’s our way of coping.

Is it detrimental in the long run? I don’t think so — unless, unlike Kat, you don’t come to have the epiphany that he just wasn’t worth it.

So why am I talking about Kat Von D, Jesse James and Sandra Bullock — names that are so last year when Kim Kardashian, her big booty and her fake husband are constantly making headlines? It’s simple really: kitty Kat finally had her moment of clarity. She wised up, and she has dubbed her realization ‘Thank You, Jesse James.’

She wrote: ‘I kept going back and forth in my mind as to what the best way would be for me to release and let go of any residual feelings remaining from that toxic relationship. All of this may sound petty or immature to some, but I assure you this is coming from a place of pure honesty and love.

“There was a time when I was confident and excited at proving the world wrong, because I believed so deeply in people’s ability to change for the better,” she continued.

“Although this was not a primary purpose in the relationship, I did feel like it would be a positive thing for those who judged Jesse solely based on what they read in tabloids, to see that change is always possible – even in the people who seem hopeless. I think it just made me sad today to imagine him still in that dark place – where seeking validation through the attention of women takes precedence over being a good father, a sincere friend, a better coworker, and a happy individual.

Chronic cheater Jesse James with Sandra Bullock

“I tried my best to go through all of this without venting, or complaining, or fueling more tabloid mumbo jumbo — but this isn’t about any of that… This is about me making peace with myself, and forgiving myself for making some bad mistakes.

“I don’t want to sink into the feelings of regret, or resentment. Because right now, for the first time in my life I have felt regret, (for someone like me, who’s never felt that before, this is hard to say out loud).

“Time is something you can never get back, and what we do with this very present moment is the most real thing we have. So if that’s the lesson Jesse forced me to face and learn by all of this, than all I can say is Thank You.

“It would be nice to move on now,” she concluded.

I hope she gets her wish.

Because she’s right, you know. Time isn’t something you can get back. So stop making excuses for the man in your life. If he’s not calling you, if he’s made up a story about who that girl is on Facebook, if he isn’t treating you the way you know you deserve to be treated, do me a favor and end it. We spend so much time and effort trying to make men into the men we want them to be, but we can’t fix them or altar who they are. They won’t change, and nor should we have to change ourselves into someone who fits into their lifestyle.

Chronic cheaters keep cheating

If something makes you feel bad, it isn’t right.  Love isn’t never having to say you’re sorry, but it is something beautiful that should be reciprocated.

Only you know what’s right. Only you know what will make you happy in the long run.

Oh, and one more thing…there’s no need to pull a Von D. There is absolutely NO NEED to thank him for helping you see the light. You’ll come to the realization that he’s an unworthy loser all on your own sooner or later — so thank yourself instead.



Filed Under: Blogs


About the Author: Laura Schreffler is a former New York Daily News columnist who left the world of celebrity behind to focus on what makes her happiest — love and travel. She is the creator of LoveTrekker.com — a website devoted to these two passions that she fondly calls “looking for love in all the right places.” In her spare time she likes to play matchmaker for her friends, dream about her next vacation and gaze at photographs of Taylor Kitsch. For more advice on love, relationships, and happiness, check out http://lovetrekker.com & her book "Internet Dating 101". And follow her here at Happiness Series with her weekly blog about finding love.

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