Happiness in Love

Why we should focus on love instead of talking about sex, baby

By Laura Schreffler

Sex, sex, sex. Everywhere I turn lately I feel like I’m reading something about the horizontal tango, the vertical cha-cha or the wheelbarrow twist (made that one up). Sure, sex is an important part of a relationship — but what happens when we take it out of the equation?

We all abide by some sort of self-imposed rule system, but that ‘I’ve got to sleep with him by the third date or he’ll dump me’ regulation is by far the most idiotic. Who says we owe you anything, buddy?

Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger agrees. In fact, the now-single sexpert is following one of the most important practices that she preaches to her clients: no sex in the champagne room, the bedroom or anywhere else. “I’m not sleeping with anyone — no sex before monogamy,” she said recently.

She’s got the right idea. When we have sex with a guy prematurely (and I’m not talking about him being premature, ladies, so get your minds out of the gutter) we become more involved against our better natures. We might fall for a guy exclusively because we’ve done the deed, creating a bond where none exists. You can all argue this point all you want, but if you’re honest with yourselves, you’ll realize that we’re far more emotional than men are.

I’m not saying that you have to be a Puritan or wait until you’re married to get busy. I’m simply saying don’t rush head-first (pardon the pun) into a sexual relationship. Don’t follow any third-date rule nonsense. Do it when you’re ready.

The idea of sex without love and love without sex is so prevalent that there were 2 movies out recently about that very idea

By that token, I’m an advocate of (yet another) new dating website. However, this one has a twist: 2date4love.com is a site for the sexless, whether it be those who simply aren’t interested or physically can’t have sex.

Founder Laura Brashier falls into the latter category; after surviving stage IV cervical cancer, sex became just too painful to enjoy. But she realized that didn’t mean she had to live her life loveless and alone.

“Once you take sex out of it, people are still looking for companionship,” Brashier recently told the Orange County Register. “It’s about finding someone to share your sacred space with, to have someone in your life where it’s you against the world.”

Lest we forget, that’s what relationships are really about. Yes, sex is part of that — but it isn’t everything. Mark Twain may have believed that love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired, but I’m going with Jean Paul F. Richter instead: “Paradise is always where love dwells.”

But at the end of the day, of course, you need to do what’s right for you and what makes you happy.

Sex with a friend as a way of avoiding sex with love. Movie #2 about sex vs love




Filed Under: Blogs


About the Author: Laura Schreffler is a former New York Daily News columnist who left the world of celebrity behind to focus on what makes her happiest — love and travel. She is the creator of LoveTrekker.com — a website devoted to these two passions that she fondly calls “looking for love in all the right places.” In her spare time she likes to play matchmaker for her friends, dream about her next vacation and gaze at photographs of Taylor Kitsch. For more advice on love, relationships, and happiness, check out http://lovetrekker.com & her book "Internet Dating 101". And follow her here at Happiness Series with her weekly blog about finding love.

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